When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
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i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good