S/o to @funTweeters .
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Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
hi why am I like this
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
this could fix me
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen