when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
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WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
😏😏😏
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids