@CrowfootJim: When women get to a certain age they start accumulating cats. This is known as the many paws.
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@stephenjmolloy: [Every restaurant ever] Manager: "Has he got a mouthful of food?" Waiter: "Yes." Manager: "Go and ask him how his meal is."
@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: Where are the groceries? ME: Bacon was on sale. WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean? *sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
@FatherWithTwins: My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, "isn't my undying love & affection enough?" We laughed and laughed. Now I'm at the purse store
@UncleDuke1969: Waitress: Is this your grandma? Me: My wife. Waitress: ... Me: ... Waitress: I am SO sorry. *walks away* Grandma: Nice one. High five!