[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
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Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.