@TheDailySchmuck: When women go to the restroom together that's so you can make out, right?
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@drinksmcgee: I laugh at an ex who now dates an ugly man-pig… Until I realize that maybe she has a type.
@causticbob: The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old, I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
@ItsAndyRyan: Bae: Are you coming over? Me: Yes, I'm coming over. - Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
@iamspacegirl: Ranger Station BOSS: I have reports that you treat the wildlife inappropriately ME: No way *porcupine waddles by w/ kebabs on each quill*