Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
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My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
dutch so unserious
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this: