When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
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Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™