When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
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“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
I’m sorry…what?
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips