Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
You Might Also Like
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.