@ocourtneyno: When you accidentally type "me" instead of "my" I read your tweets as if you are a leprechaun.
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@truegritrumble: FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies? ME: That's terrible! *my backpack starts barking*
@mattZillaaaa: My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
@FussySaffa: When your partner asks how many people you have ever slept with, answering 'what did I say the last time you asked?' is unwise, apparently.
@WritePlay: *burglar breaks in* *i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture* Burglar: No I have a double chin! Me: I'll post it