Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
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“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
There’s only one good girl here!
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
British websites use biscuits.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why