@wesjohnson8: When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn't doing the same thing.
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@sad_tree: Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he's probably on that thing like "MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING"
@Chloestylo: Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried? Me: You mean after I die, right?
@jeff_ratfamily: A ladies magazine told me to compliment my wifes booty. So I told her I was glad it wasn't hairy. I need a place to stay
@ArfMeasures: MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half! EVERYONE: *gasps* ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird