Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
You Might Also Like
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?