Day 2 of my diet
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be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat