When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
You Might Also Like
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.