When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
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Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
KFC hitting the cannibal market
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.