When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
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That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……