When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
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Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.