@ddsmidt: When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it's worse than being included on a group text.
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@ericsshadow: ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills] SON: I lost a tooth. I'm gonna leave it under my pillow tonight. ME: I'd wait until next week.
@TheAlexNevil: If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
@snmrrw: maybe ancient civilizations wouldn't have died out if they'd built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
@Pro_Jones_: (NASA) HQ: Good launch everyone. Astronaut: Uhh what's that buzzing noise? NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.