@ddsmidt: When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it's worse than being included on a group text.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@trevorthehuman: Turns out "pick the biggest one & punch him in the face" gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
@MrSpoonicorn: *picks up the bagel again* sorry i gotta take this one *leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
@Fred_Delicious: Date - "I really dig intellectuals" Me - "oh yeah? well check this out babe" [counts to 17]
@QwertyJones3: [doctor hooking wires to my chest] ME: What are you doing? DOC: Echocardiogram ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test