When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
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Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
My what?
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.