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Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
What?!?
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Bruh PLEASE
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.