When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
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my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat