When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
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*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]