When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
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Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives