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me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Breaking news:
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes: