My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
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I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂