Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
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Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
😂😂😂😂😂😂
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute