When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
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What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games