When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
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vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you