When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
You Might Also Like
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Scream sneezers need love too.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Now this is how you LinkedIn