When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
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Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.