When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
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We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
good work, everybody
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Investing in beetcoin
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
I have a black belt in leather
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers