When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
You Might Also Like
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what