@JoleenDoreen: When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, "Thumb War" is not the answer they were looking for.
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@fart: what's cool about Mitt Romney is that when you put politics aside he's still a genuinely detestable person
@daplusk: 'When I go to the bathroom at work and someone follows me in' Doctor: I meant is there anything worrying you, physically
@IGotsSmarts: If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can't even finish this one
@KalvinMacleod: INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength? ME: I’m good at untying knots INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?