When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
You Might Also Like
What the hell is going on?
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
ibopfufen
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
A great tip. #CakeRex
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’