When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
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Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.