When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
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Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets