When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
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As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
is nasa ok
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
PLEASE READ
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.