When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
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therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.