When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
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The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Don’t make me out nice you.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”