When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
You Might Also Like
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”