@x_xaima: When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
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@JustDontBugMe: When I found out that my neighbour is allergic to cats I bought one And I have never seen him since.
@trumpetcake: People always complain that I'm "out there." [On the phone. To the cops. While I'm sitting in their birdbath.]
@TheMichaelRock: 8yo: can you tell me a story? Me: sure. Your mom and I get ice cream after you go to bed every night. 8yo: WHAT?! Me: goodnight, buddy.