@fightforfood: When you guys describe me to your families do you use the word tigress? I'd prefer if you included tigress
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@RdrJay47: Me: I'd like to adopt that baby. Clerk: Sir, that's a family sized platter of Super Nachos.
@aveuaskew: Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should've considered.
@WheelTod: [Thanksgiving at the In-laws] Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now” Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean...” Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
@TheRolo: [Updates Christian Mingle bio] "Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first" "You have 999 new matches"