After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
You Might Also Like
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Whatâs the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: YouâŚspin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: UhâŚmake honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: HmâŚeat marbles
I just made bacon for dessert, Iâm not in the mood to be trifled with
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
*looks at you in batman voice*
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what itâs like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Hell yeah đ
(listening to âHow to save a lifeâ by The Fray) please hurry.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when weâre all grounded.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficultđ
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a âhe shed!â
HUSBAND: sheâs just jealous she doesnât have a âshe shed!â
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: itâs all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?