When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
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“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Dear Lord..
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time