[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
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[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”