@amydillon: When you have kids, "sleeping in" is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
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@iinkedZombie: [courtroom] Me: "I OBJECT YOUR HONOR" Judge: on what grounds? "LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO" Prosecutor: he's good Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
@2thestreetz: *lights scented candle* *accidentally burns down house* *everyone agreed that it smelled amazing*
@shegotagronk: Complimented Taylor Swift on her shirt yesterday and now she's in a tree outside my window with a guitar and a wedding dress. Send.Help.Now.