When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
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I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
what could possibly go wrong?
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.