When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
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360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please