@LoveNLunchmeat: When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
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@jwoodham: The only way I'm coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
@HiddenPinky: Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt: "You like Nirvana? What's your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?" Kid: Nevermind "Yeah, me, too."
@Sorrowscopes: Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
@kimwilliamz: The worst thing about admitting you're an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.