When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
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My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.