When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
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#oldknees
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
If looks could kill
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory