[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
You Might Also Like
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.