I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
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Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.