@cramoska: When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
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@MikeCanRant: There are shockingly few security guards at dog shows. You can run out and pet 4 or 5 dogs before they catch you. Last time I pet 8 of them.
@rdthought: Girlfriend: Stop lying around on the couch all day. Me: But you said we needed to start conserving energy.
@Sickayduh: Sketch artist: Any more details on the attacker? Me: No, that's all I saw *shows me it's just a picture of a fist* Me: *sobbing* That's him