When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
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The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
it be like that
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.